in pursuit... of self trust

walking & being impeccable with your word

I started walking 4 miles every day, 135 days ago. So yes, it’s been 135 consecutive days, more than 540 miles, and many more steps as I continue to stick with this goal.

I started walking every day (no matter what) almost 200 days ago, back in September. I was struggling a bit mentally, extremely anxious, and I was living in Maine near a long bike trail. I told myself my job was to just show up on the trail — no negotiations. I could walk .5 miles, .02 miles, I could walk 6 miles, it didn’t matter, I just had to show up. I had to meet myself there.

This worked for me. This became a steadiness for me. This helped me tremendously as I navigated changing seasons, and some substantial life changes that ensued.

I upped my game to four miles every day sometime in November. I thought this was an attainable goal — 1 hour walk. I honestly needed it for my mental health during the winter months. Like clockwork around early November, I become a victim of SAD (seasonal depressive disorder.) Honestly, I think it affects all of us to some degree. The winter provides a different energy. And it has taken me a while to understand that my expectations of myself in the winter SHOULD be different. I mean, hell, we’re animals! Every other species acts different in the winter, I should be acting different too. More soups, less intensity, more sleep should be a given.

My walks became my ‘church’ — my siblings made fun of me for this terminology lol — but it’s true. My walks gave me such a steadiness. I hanged on to them, clinging to the process, the feelings, endorphin boosts following them. I looked forward to them. I still do. I realized this ritual became a confidence boost, because every day, these walks are an act of showing up for myself. Every day, no matter what, I have a non-negotiable: a walk. By showing up for myself, regardless of my mood, the weather, the nonsense of everyday life, I have grown more trust within myself.

I think for me, as I exit my 20s, there is a lot of reflection happening. (I tend to be a fairly introspective person.) But I think about my early twenties specifically, and how much I looked to others to make decisions for me. I assessed who had power in the room, and made myself smaller or agreeable, or extremely friendly to match that power. I didn’t trust my abilities, my strengths, my ways of moving through the world as much. It took me a 5 years to understand 1. I had strength, and then another five years to 2. actually access and step into my immense power and strength.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it takes a while to trust yourself, trust your decisions, trust the universe and honestly — trust the timing of your life. But if you’d like a little hack, I’d recommend picking a habit — no matter big or small and committing to it, and showing up for yourself through that habit.

I’ve recently been incorporating small sprints in my walk, telling myself I’m going to sprint to a certain mailbox a few hundred feet ahead — no matter what — and then, I do it. Sometimes little thoughts creep in before the mailbox, “we could stop here” but I don’t. I can’t, because I made a promise. I feel like this can look like anything — like writing 1 page in your journal, every night. No matter what. No matter how tired you are, or no matter how much you’d rather watch The Bachelorette.

I believe these small acts of showing up for yourself add up. I believe they all feed into how you act in the world, how you show up in the world, because when you are confident you will show up for yourself, you are more confident, period.

That’s at least my two cents.

I’m interested to see what helps you trust yourself — your path — your desires. What helps you move confidently through the world?

Always learning, always evolving, always steadily in pursuit,

T