I’m a walking paradox. Always have been. I think I always will be.
It’s human nature to take on the multitudes of living. I am an anxious yogi, a goofy poet. I obsess with chocolate and baking and indulging, but most of my days I eat salads, Ezikel breads and yogurt. I contradict myself much of the time, and love that about myself. I believe we all do, whether those contradictions overlap themselves, or are years apart. (Like those 4 years I lived without meat, but now go crazy for a chicken salad sandwich.)
I will say though, no other age has highlighted the paradox of being human more than twenty-nine has. (I will say I don’t turn 30 until July, so this is still bound to change.)
Here’s some ponderings from my twenties thus far.
Same Boat —> Kayaks
Most of our life, we are in the same boat with the other ones of our age. In grade school, everyone is learning their times-tables and going through puberty at (remotely) the same time. In college, we’re all learning and trying to figure out who the f**k we are at the same time. Even in our early twenties, most of us were on the same wave — confused, trying, failing, and then trying again.
But being twenty-nine has made me notice all of the paths of life we can take. There’s no one boat anymore. I have friends getting married, I have friends with newborns, I have friends that get drunk every weekend. I have new friends 15 years, 20 years, 40 years older than me, dealing with different (but yet strikingly similar) problems, navigating complex aspects of their lives.
Now, I began with the idea of being paradoxes and leaning into our inconsistencies. But that idea assumes that we have to be one thing, when we are ever expansive individuals — many things.
I guess it seems we’ve been groomed in a society to think that we all should be married, having kids, and such. You know the whole “nuclear family” deal. I think a narcissistic part of me kind of thought everyone bought into this “solution.” Like we were all in the same classroom of life and that idea was considered the ‘A+.’
And honestly, an ignorant, younger part of me kind of thought we all just going to be one thing and do it all together. I realize that doesn’t really make much sense. It’s a similar feeling to when you realize your teacher is also a regular human being that goes to a grocery store. “They do more than just teach? Who knew?” It’s a slightly narcissistic thought that people can make their own, unique life decisions. Basically, the ‘revolutionary’ finding I had is that we… as humans… have… free will…? …. I guess? It’s also kind of like the feeling of seeing a person from High School (that you haven’t seen since 2012) randomly in a grocery store, and they have a child. And, you can’t believe they have a child. You can’t believe they haven’t been stuck — in Mrs. Lyle’s homeroom still making jokes and trying to be the class clown. It’s like we’re so involved we’re in our own lives and things, we don’t realize Jimmy-from-a-town-over could ever not in Mrs. Lyle’s homeroom forever and ever in perpetuity.
You know what I mean?
This ‘finding’ was so revolutionary for my little head because it took the pressure off from doing anything that ‘I’m supposed’ to do. You know — kids, marriage, the whole nine-yards. It’s like I felt as though past versions of myself I was being compared to my peers — like in a classroom, or in a corporate office where everyone is a female the same age… living in Boston… doing the same thing.
We’re all now in our little kayaks, making our own life course downstream, upstream, where-ever stream, and it’s really refreshing. It’s a letting go of what we’re supposed to do, be and just … well… livin’.
L I V I N…
The Importance of Older Friends
I have a 70 year old friend. She is dealing with the love of her life slowly fading away from her. She wonders how she will deal with the death of her best friend. She deals with people at work she doesn’t love or relate to. She deals with being tired, or being in a body different than her 40 year old body. She is courageous and radiant and trying her best too.
Why is it important that I know her?
Because life never stops life-ing. I think we (at least I did) assume that eventually, we ‘arrive.’ She is a reminder we never stop growing, living, being. And sure, I know you KNOW that, but sometimes we don’t ACT like we know that. And that makes the difference for everything. She is a wonderful human, an extremely smart person, with an incredible amount of life experience, and still, she faces adversity — still she is heartbroken, confused, lost, at times. The ‘problems’ in our lives will keep coming, wondering if we’re ‘doing it right’ will keep coming. The mistakes and learnings keep coming. The joys keep coming too. It reminds us that this is a journey is a continuum; there’s no destination but presence.
The Twenties Dressing Room
It seems like the twenties is like being in a dressing room. Maybe some dressing room like TJMaxx… a place where it’s a bit chaotic. You try on things, you see how it fits, you either put it in the take home pile, find another size, or leave it entirely. A dressing room attendant — a mentor, a mother, a teacher — might ask you if they can help you find another size or if you need anything. You take them up on their offer. You continue to try on and shop and learn and grow through this entire decade. You take risks, maybe putting on clothes/identities that are new or different for you. Many clothes might be trend-forward, focused on what everyone else is doing, and eventually you actually find what feels right to you — what works for you — what makes you feel good.
By the end, you have a pretty good capsule wardrobe. A semblance of knowing of who you are and what you like. You of course, will continue to shop over the course of your life, you will go back to many dressing rooms. But this twenties dressing room try-on? This was like one of those 90s fashion montages where the girl does a makeover and the goofy best friend is trying on weird hats with her. You ebb, you flow, you keep some outfits forever, and wear some for a week and give to Goodwill.
At least, this is how it kind of feels to me.
Why I’m Excited for my 30s
I feel like I kind of figured it out a bit. (Not at all, but more? I guess?)
The twenties are funny, because the early twenties you may graduate college, have a shock to the system, and then by 22-23 you feel like you know EVERYTHING (but you don’t anything whatsoever.) By 24-25, you seriously don’t know anything again and can’t even believe you thought you knew everything. Depression may come, anxiety about everything definitely comes. 26-27 brings some sort of reincarnation and learning and maybe reviving — a job change, a new relationship, a stripping of an old self. And by 28 you’re finally coming to terms with who you are, and who you’d like to become. By 29, you’re coming to terms with what you LIKE, and how you want to build your life. At least, this was the twenties experience for me.
Moving forward into the third decade of my life, this is what I’m trying to take with me… continue doing the things I like doing, and surround myself with people I like seeing.
I’m a facilitator in a Pre-Dead Social Club — I like this, I learn a lot; I’m in an Improv class — I don’t know how I feel about this yet; I’m a yoga teacher — I love this and taking continuing education courses. I love watercolor, and creating goofy images or poems to match. I love baking — but I’m actually not sure if I like the baking or eating of the chocolate chip cookies more. I like reading a lot. I like learning. I love podcasts, but not so many that I feel overwhelmed. I need sleep and love sleep. I can’t handle True Crime mentally, but I actually really enjoy it, so I can’t watch it unless it is daylight. I really value close relationships. I found I have a tendency towards being all in or all out on something, so I’m working towards moderation. This is hard. I’ve also realized I’m what they call an “ambivert” which means I can either be outgoing to introverted depending on the situation. In some circumstances, it’s just not my vibe, and I’d rather be in bed. In other circumstances, I quite literally turn into the energizer bunny. That’s what I’ve got so far, and what I’m willing to share as I continue writing into the big bad internet void.
Stay tuned as I continue to write, learn and explore. As I continue to steadily be in pursuit of living.
love u!!!!
in pursuit of nothing and everything and nothing again,
T
